Aries21 Mar – 19 Apr
Your file was moved this week. Nothing was added to it. If the form has no reference number, it is not a form.
Favourable: unsalted butter.
Sun actually in Pisces for most of these dates.
Horoscopes
Cast for the ecliptic as it is, not as published.
These readings are cast against the true sidereal positions. Precession has moved the constellations roughly one sign along since the tropical zodiac was fixed, which means that on the dates your newspaper calls Leo, the sun is in Cancer.
We are aware this makes our horoscopes disagree with everyone else's. We have been told, by letter, forty-one times this year, that this is unhelpful. It remains our position: if a column is going to be wrong, it should at least be wrong about the sky that is there.
Cast for October 7, 2026. Generated deterministically from the date in Ithaca by thirty-nine lines of code, which is described on this page because a horoscope that will not say how it is made is two kinds of dishonest. Readings are fiction and are not a forecast of anything.
If today is your birthday
You will be underestimated in April, which is convenient, and overestimated in October, which is not.
One reading, for everybody born on this date, of whom there are approximately twenty-one million alive. The desk considers this no less specific than the alternative.
Taurus20 Apr – 20 May
Your neighbour's smart meter is reporting more than electricity, but not about you. Sleep with the window open. Not for the air.
Favourable: a working pen.
Sun actually in Aries for most of these dates.
Gemini21 May – 20 Jun
Someone in a beige building has your name in a list of names. Return the borrowed book. It is overdue by more than you think.
Favourable: the number 11.
Sun actually in Taurus for most of these dates.
Cancer21 Jun – 22 Jul
The ring system is quiet today, which is not the same as safe. Do not agree to the framework, only to the meeting.
Favourable: an unlisted number.
Sun actually in Gemini for most of these dates.
Leo23 Jul – 22 Aug
A letter arrives that was posted before you were born. Photograph the plaque before the renovation begins.
Favourable: someone else's umbrella.
Sun actually in Cancer for most of these dates.
Virgo23 Aug – 22 Sep
A carrier wave you have been ignoring resolves into a word. Pay in cash and keep the receipt somewhere damp.
Favourable: the colour of wet slate.
Sun actually in Leo for most of these dates.
Libra23 Sep – 22 Oct
You will be asked to sign something. Read the annex, not the summary. Say the number out loud. It will not be the number you were told.
Favourable: the shorter queue.
Sun actually in Virgo for most of these dates.
Scorpio23 Oct – 21 Nov
The 3,600-year clock is not your problem yet. Ask again in 1,100 years. Decline the upgrade. Decline the second upgrade more firmly.
Favourable: a bus timetable.
Sun actually in Libra for most of these dates.
Sagittarius22 Nov – 21 Dec
An old acquaintance resurfaces with a plausible story and a slight lisp. Write the date on the back. In pencil. You will want to change it.
Favourable: quiet.
Sun actually in Ophiuchus, then Scorpius for most of these dates.
Capricorn22 Dec – 19 Jan
The moon's resonance is 2.7 per cent off nominal. You will feel it around four. Ask who is minuting the meeting. If nobody is, that is the answer.
Favourable: a brass key.
Sun actually in Sagittarius for most of these dates.
Aquarius20 Jan – 18 Feb
Saturn is in a favourable aspect, for Saturn. Take the stairs. The lift logs floors, and today it is logging enthusiastically.
Favourable: a second cup.
Sun actually in Capricornus for most of these dates.
Pisces19 Feb – 20 Mar
Ley alignment is strong along your commute. Take the other road. Be kind to the archivist. Archivists remember.
Favourable: a paper map.
Sun actually in Aquarius for most of these dates.